A Work in Progress

“A house is constantly becoming.” – My mother

My mother says this whenever she wants to redecorate – which she does fairly often.  She is always rearranging furniture, stripping and rehanging wallpaper (or painting lately), reupholstering chairs and generally changing things inside and outside the house.  She seems to get bored if things remain the same for too long. I did not inherit Mom’s zeal for decorating (I’ll blog about the small bathroom project that is going on two years to complete another day), but I have embraced a zeal for my constantly changing life. 

When I was a teen – that crazy state of constant change that we all experience – I thought that I would have it all together when I grew up.  I certainly didn’t have anything together then, as far as I was concerned.  I was awkward, weird, uncomfortable in certain social situations, unhappy with my appearance, personality, etc.  The grown-up life I imagined was the total opposite.  I would be comfortable with whatever I encountered.  I would be competent in everything I tried to do.  No more situations I didn’t know how to handle.  No more worrying about my appearance or how people perceived me.  I would be in control and predict the outcomes.  That’s what grown-ups did, from my perspective at the time. They just seemed to have it all together and I wanted that, too.

Even as a young college graduate, I still thought that I’d get it all figured out eventually.  But life kept changing.  Marriage, moving to a new city, going back to school – all shook things up.  But I kept holding out for a time when I would have it all together.  “See, right now, I’m just in transition”, I would tell myself.  “Once I get settled, I’ll be successful in my career, comfortable financially and beautiful, to boot.  Life will be great… when I grow up.”

The result of all this is I never really felt like an adult, even when I became one.  Somehow, I hung on to the idea that adulthood was the end of the journey.  It was the destination. And when I arrived at adulthood, everything would be perfect.  I couldn’t wait to get there.  But it sure was taking a long time…

Now I am middle aged, working, married and have a school aged daughter – by all definitions an adult.  And, of course, things are still weird and I’m still neurotic.  The difference is that I now understand that this is the way it’s supposed to be.  This is “normal,” at least for me.  It’s taken many years, but I can now embrace the craziness (most days).  And I find that when life does seem to stand still, I tend to feel stuck.  I get bored with the “same old same old.” I need to try new things from time to time (like writing a blog…).

So, to modify my mother’s famous statement, I am constantly becoming.  My life is a journey and I am absolutely not “there,” yet.  But I’m learning a lot and meeting some interesting people along the way.  And – FINALLY – I’m OK with that.