The Mother I Try to Be

I often read Sarah Bessey’s blog. She and I are on the same page on a lot of things.  The other day, I stumbled on the post “MyPractices of Mothering.” It’s a great post that got me thinking about my own “Practices of Mothering.” I spent some time brainstorming on the type of mother I try to be.  By the way, I highly recommend this particular exercise. To sit down and really think about what you believe and who you want to be leads to some interesting side trips.  I should have plenty to blog about in the coming weeks – all thanks to Ms. Bessey.  

Please be advised that I don’t always execute these perfectly.  Nor did I come up with all of this by myself.  I read a lot of parenting books and blogs.  I also know a lot of parents and see examples of different parenting styles as I go about my life. I’m still learning and growing so this list is not carved in stone.  It represents what I know/feel/believe right now. If I’ve learned anything over the course of my life, it’s that life is always changing.  So I reserve the right to change my mind, if the situation warrants.  

Now, without further ado, my mothering practices:

Love Love Love: My first and most important practice is to love as much as I can. You just can’t love your children too much.  I believe the stronger the bond between my daughter and myself, the better. I also believe that kids need to know that you love them.  You’ve got to tell them and show them every day.

Try to be present when it counts:  I say “when it counts” because I’ve learned that I can’t be 100% present for my child 100% of the time.  Sometimes I just have to focus on other things, like dinner or laundry.  There are times, however, when I drop everything to be there for her and only her.  On family game night, for example, I don’t answer my cell phone or play on my Kindle Fire between turns. 

Reward Positive Behavior/Ignore Negative Behavior: This is 100% from the book “the Power of Positive Parenting” by Gary Latham. Positive reinforcement is more successful than negative. Good behavior should be rewarded and “Age typical weed behaviors” should be ignored.  If the action doesn’t go against our family value system, hurt anyone or disrupt the running of the household, I let it go (although I admit it’s hard sometimes).  It’s really a twist on the old “pick your battles” wisdom.  Trust me, though, it makes life A LOT easier.  

Give my daughter the freedom to be herself:  I’ve learned the hard way that I can’t micromanage her life.  Sometimes I have to step back and let her do her thing.  Even when every fiber of my being screams “that outfit doesn’t match!” I let her wear it.

Think about what I say:  Words can hurt, even when that’s not the intent.  When she messes up, I tell her what she did wrong but I don’t say “you’re bad” (or “good” in the opposite scenario). I also try to use words that are specific to the situation.  Instead of “you’re smart” I try to say “that’s a good idea” or “I love how you think.” I can’t remember the book I got this one from but I love it. 

Model the person I want her to be.  This just might be the hardest of the bunch.  The old “do what I say and not what I do” just doesn’t cut it.  If I can’t live by my values, they aren’t really my values.

Allow her to see me mess up and apologize when I do: I feel that honesty is best when it comes to my daughter.  I also think she’s strong enough to handle the fact that Mommy isn’t perfect.  Plus maybe it’ll teach her that it’s OK to make mistakes but it’s important to own up to them. 

 An Illustration: Coming home from church last Sunday, my daughter declared, “You’re not the boss of me. God is the boss of me. He’s the boss of everybody.” We get into this little debate from time to time. My response is always “You are right. I am not the boss of God but he made me your boss here on Earth until you grow up.” This time, she took her counterargument to another level. “No, Mommy, because God is in me. If you say you are the boss of me, you’re saying you’re the boss of God. Are you the boss of God? No. So you’re not the boss of me, either.” Wow. I had to think a minute on this one and then I had to agree with her. “You’re right. I am not your ‘boss,’” I began, “a better word would be ‘guide’ or ‘teacher’.  You see, God put me here to guide you and teach you so you will grow up ready to follow him.” I was pleased that I came up with something so good and it seemed to satisfy her. But the more I think about it, the more I see a connection between that statement and the mother I try to be. I’m not the boss of her.  I’m just her mother