A Small First Step Towards "Home"

I am afraid that I may have bitten off more than I can chew in choosing the word “Home” instead of making a resolution (or ten). I am having a difficult time articulating what that actually means or how to go about addressing it. My desire for “home” rises from a general feeling of not belonging, not fitting in and of being disconnected. Beyond that last sentence, however, I cannot put my finger on anything helpful.

Where do I feel this “homelessness?” I looked through my journal entries for 2012, hoping to find some insight. I discovered that this is not about situations that put me outside of my comfort zone (taking a risk or tying something new, for example). Stepping outside of my comfort zone usually brings learning and added confidence. Being disconnected brings the opposite. “Disconnected” is probably a better word than “homeless” but they mean the same thing, at least in this context.

I discovered something else as I read through my journal entries from last year. The place that I feel the most disconnected (based on the number of journal entries discussing it) is Church.  Here is a quote from February 9, 2012:

“I am such an odd bird sometimes. I have crazy ideas and seem to be so different from other people in how I see the world. I’ve noticed this a lot at church. The more involved I get and the deeper I go into my faith, the farther away I feel from the Christian world.”

I do not agree with a lot of “official” Christian positions – particularly on the culture war stuff. I also find the traditional church model tedious. I cannot walk away from my faith but going to Sunday school and church every Sunday has become a chore. I keep going, hoping I can find the connection I lost but part of me wants to leave and start over somewhere else… or just stop going altogether.  

Maybe it is just burnout from taking on too much: Session, committees, etc. I hope so. That is easy to fix. Something tells me it is more than that, though. I cannot say what, but I have a feeling that this is not simple burnout or boredom.

From another entry (March 3, 2012):

“Jesus also suffered outside the gate… therefore let us go forth to him outside the camp and bear the abuse he endured. For we have no lasting city, but we seek the city which is to come.” Hebrews 13:12-14

Jesus was (literally) an outcast…. I can relate to him for that reason. It gives me hope to know that he did not fit in with the religious establishment any more than I do.

Maybe that is where I need to start my journey – outside the camp. I am already there, in many ways so it makes sense, at least. I will start by looking into what sends me “outside” and why I feel that way.  I may need to rethink some of my beliefs, while embracing others. It is going to be a long trip (and probably a bit scary) but at least I will not be alone. Jesus has also been outside the camp and he is a pretty good travel companion.

Let the journey begin.