Finally Home (sort of)

“At Home” (from the American Heritage College Dictionary).       

• Available to receive visitors
• Comfortable and relaxed; at ease
• Feeling an easy competence and familiarity.

My word for 2013 was “home.” I chose the word because I felt a disconnection from several aspects of my life. I did not feel comfortable in my own skin and, as I note in follow up posts, I felt alienated from my church. I wanted to feel “at home” with myself, my life and my faith. It was quite an undertaking to resolve all of that in one year and I cannot say I figured it all out, but below are some of the things I did (taken from journal entries and blog posts):

• I tried to be more present and appreciate and “rest in” the time I spent with family and friends. In so doing, I discovered how amazing life can be and how blessed I am. I learned to be more content with who I am, where I am and what I am doing. My favorite quote from one of my journal entries sums it all up: “I am surrounded by miracles and mercies. Miracles because I sometimes can’t believe I could be so content. Mercies because sometimes I wonder what I ever did to deserve this joy.” (written April 15, 2013)
• The words that came up over and over again in my journal this past year are “Quiet,” “Be Still,” “Wait for the Lord” and “STOP TRYING SO HARD!!” Hmmm… perhaps there is a message in there somewhere.
• I continued to learn about my daughter and how best to mother her (not that I am anywhere near an expert in this area). Mostly I learned that I should let go more than hold on when it comes to her. These were some pretty difficult lessons, but well worth the effort. The more I grow and learn in this parenting thing, the more relaxed and confident I am in this role.
• I struggled with my faith a lot. In the process, I discovered a couple of things:
•  I just might be trying a teensy bit too hard to “get it.” Perhaps some “quiet,” “stillness” and “waiting for the Lord” (see above) are in order.
• My church family is just that – a family. There are crazy uncles and annoying cousins, as well as dear sisters and brothers. As a family, we experienced each other’s joys and sorrows. We shared embarrassing moments and stories we would all prefer to forget. We witnessed strength, mercy and grace beyond measure. Regardless of what happens of who says what, we are all in this together.
• All the work on being present and living in the moment applies to worship, also. I can sit in the worship service and wait for “it” to happen or I can actively participate. I can focus on what is being said and sung, I can meditate, I can turn hymns into prayers. This is probably a “duh” to a lot of people, but it was quite the epiphany to me.

I did not know what to expect from this exercise so I could not make a "to do" list with goals to accomplish. Instead I simply spent a lot of time reading, learning and thinking. I wrote in both my private journal and my public blog. I bounced ideas off of a lot of dear friends and I am grateful for their patience and ability to humor even my more bizarre questions. I constantly reminded myself to "be here." It was a year of growth, which is always a good thing. And while I still struggle with a lot of things, I am more comfortable with that struggle than I was before. I learned to live in the questions instead of constantly searching for the answers. 

So now that I am “home” (sort of), what next? What should my word for 2014 be?

Stay tuned……